


I Loved and I Loved and I Lost You

by Cee693



Category: The Flash (TV 2014), The Flash - All Media Types
Genre: Actually Barry Allen needs Iris West, Barry Allen Needs a Hug, Crisis on Infinite Earths Crossover Event (CW DC TV Universe), Emotional Hurt, F/M, Gen, Hurt No Comfort, Post- Part 3
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-04
Updated: 2020-01-04
Packaged: 2021-02-27 13:00:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,153
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22107484
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cee693/pseuds/Cee693
Summary: The Paragon of Love deals with life alone at the Vanishing Point.
Relationships: Barry Allen/Iris West
Comments: 12
Kudos: 112





	I Loved and I Loved and I Lost You

**Author's Note:**

> Brief, based on how *awful* Barry looks in the new promo pictures.

_This wasn't the plan._

Barry leaned heavily against the stone wall where he spent the majority of his days and used a shaky hand to pull out his cell phone.

His fingers moved unhurriedly along his phone screen. They had been in this place for a long while and he still didn’t understand its rules. The remains of the oculus that Sara was trying to get to--- well he didn’t know exactly what--- remained dark in spite of their tinkering, but his cell phone still worked as if he were still on earth. In cruel ironic twist, he could still even make calls. Not that there was anyone left in the galaxy to call.

Still, he dialed one number without fail every night before he fell into restless sleep. Of course there was never any answer. Her line never even rang. It just went straight to voicemail which he appreciated. All he wanted was the sound of her melodic voice apologizing for missing him, asking him to leave a message or try again later. 

He always did.

But, that’s not what he was after right now.

The apology was for nighttime. The daytime was meant for her laughter.

He tapped into his own voicemail and pulled up the message he'd been playing on loop every day since they'd been in this place.

It was from a little over two years ago. He'd saved it to his phone back then after it'd come through. 

Iris had called from the loft after work wondering when he would be home.

She didn't know he was already upstairs getting changed after a shower. He'd heard her leaving him a message as he crept downstairs to her.

Iris's back was to him and he tiptoed up behind her. He grabbed her sides and growled playfully in her ear and she shouted in fright.

The message muffled for a few seconds as she turned in his arms. 

When the line cleared, it was to the sound of her lightly chiding him for scaring her.

_That wasn't very nice. And to think I was excited to see you because I'd brought you a treat."_

Barry remembered her sliding her arms around his neck and pulling him close to her. 

_"I don't even want it."_

_"Is that right?"_

_"You're all the treat I need."_

_Iris had chuckled breathlessly. "Alright, smooth talker. Slow down."_

_"Barry!" She laughed._

Barry's eyes shut in pain. 

In his head he can see the scene. The setting sun sprinkling dusk in their apartment.

The golds and earth tones of the loft reflected the warm hues and glowed against Iris's warm skin. Her teeth blinding him as she laughed.

He’d stopped peppering her face with kisses long enough to ask what she’d gotten him.

Iris demurely reached behind her and pulled out a familiar pink bag.

Barry had grinned and taken the bag from her, recognizing the logo of their favorite bakery. 

She stopped him before he could open it though. “Okay, I may have exaggerated to make you feel bad for scaring me. Maybe a more accurate statement would’ve been that I brought you the gift of leftovers.”

Barry peeked inside and saw that there was in fact only a half-eaten cookie sitting on top of a bunch of parchment paper.

Iris bit her lip when Barry looked at her quickly. 

Amusement colored her face. "Sorry."

Barry tossed the bag on the counter and he'd tickled her then. Long and hard. And her laughter had filled his ears then just as sweetly as it did now.

She eventually escaped his clutches and he'd chased after her, not using his powers.

Her phone had dropped somewhere and with both of them occupied, neither noticed the call still recording. 

Eventually, his voicemail ended her message, but before then he had a few glorious minutes of the faint sound of her laughter ringing somewhere from the apartment.

The recording ended too soon, just like it always did and he was once again in the morbid landscape of the Vanishing Point. 

_This wasn't the plan._

He grabbed his hair and used all his energy to keep down the scream bubbling in his throat.

He felt broken. Not like himself. Not like any human with a heart still beating. 

He felt dead inside. Like his life force had left him long ago. 

Like the Barry from 2024.

He thought he'd changed that future, but he guessed not. 

Because this was who he couldn’t outrun. The person he would always become without her.

It was inevitable.

Though, he'd tried to fight it. Tried to put plans in motion to prevent it. 

After Yorkin. After Savitar and the Speed Force, he'd sat Iris down and had a talk he needed to have more than anything.

"I know I've asked you for so much," Barry had started. "But, I need you to promise me something. And I need it to be a promise you never break. Okay?" 

She had nodded slowly, unsure of what could be so serious. So vital. 

"In sixty or seventy years, when it's time for us to go, let me go first," he requested. 

Iris was at first taken back and then horrified. "Barry! What-"

Barry shook his head just needing her to agree. Not to question- or worse reassure- him. 

He knew what he was asking. 

"I can't do it," he told her seriously, trying to calm the tidal wave that had encompassed him ever since that first time he saw her die on Infantino Street. 

"I can't. Not even for a second. I've been to hell and it's you dying and leaving me here. I can't do it again. So when the time comes in the far-off future, whenever you're ready, just hold on long enough for me to go first."

Tears had pooled her eyes and she swallowed hard at the thought, but she searched his face for a long pause and she saw that he meant what he said. 

So, she nodded once and touched his hand. "I promise."

And yet here he was. In hell. Alone. 

_This wasn't the plan._

Iris was dead. Everyone- they were all dead.

He touched his wedding band. 

He was a widower. He was all alone. 

The other six were still fighting. Still trying to save the world. Hell, even Lex Luther had stepped up to the plate. 

But, he couldn't. He wasn't who they thought he was.

He stood among them a fraud.

They were Paragons independent of the world around them. 

Truth, honor, hope, humanity. 

They chose to embody these things _in spite_ of the world around them. 

Their strengths came from within themselves. 

His came from another.

**Truth.**

**Destiny.**

**Honor.**

**Humanity.**

**Hope.**

**Courage.**

Those things were inside of heroes. They were virtues that heroes found inside themselves when all else was lost.

Those things were innate.

But, love... Love was taught and love was found.

Love had a source. A center. It had a face. It had a name.

His Love had a name. 

And she'd taught him everything he'd ever need to know about love. Boundless love. Unconditional love.

The source of his powers both as the Flash and as a Paragon was her. And now she was no more.

And his fight- his purpose- were no more too.

So he sat. And he grieved. And he raged. But, he couldn't help the others. 

He couldn't pick up all the broken pieces of himself in time to be of use to anyone.

And, in spite of mostly bit tongues, he knew all the others hated him for it.

Well, not all.

Ryan Choi got it. Ryan left him alone. Ryan was all but leading the charge, never losing hope, but he understood enough of what Barry was feeling to show him sympathy.

While everyone else yelled in frustration or badgered him to do his part and try, Ryan brought him water and sat with him in silence at his favorite spot on the floor.

Ryan understood. 

J'onn too.

Two men who had loved and lost and had no other choice but to keep breathing.

They got it.

Everyone here had lost family, friends, home.

But, losing your soulmate. Losing your guiding light - it changed your DNA. 

He had lost everything. 

_This wasn't the plan._

He didn't belong here. 

**Truth.**

**Destiny.**

**Honor.**

**Humanity.**

**Hope.**

**Courage.**

All meaningless words without love. 

Above all else, Love was and always would be the driving force in his life. 

When the truth was hard or hidden, Love made him see it clear.

When destiny showed him death and destruction, Love told him that there was another way.

When his morals wavered- when he was tempted to throw them away to save the day, Love reminded him _exactly_ who he was. Love was his honor code.

Love was the center of his humanity. The thing that kept him grounded in a storm of the impossible. His lightning rod. Even before the speed force. Since they were kids. Love was what kept him alive in a sea of death. 

Love was hope. Loving Love meant years of hoping they would one day be together. Years of believing in a happy ending. 

Now she was no more. 

_This wasn't the plan._

What courage could be found here when he was only fearless with her? The thought of her is what made him keep going even when he was terrified. 

It's what filled the cracks of broken bones long enough for him to hold his tired body up and persevere. 

If anyone wanted to know about his courage, it was her. She was his courage. 

He was a fraud. 

She powered the hero. She sustained the man. 

He was the face of the operation, but she was its soul.

And now she was no more. 

His Iris. 

He began to weep again.

It wasn't long before he heard commotion a ways away.

"---just give him some space."

"He's had all the space in what's left of the world! What about the rest of us? We've _all_ lost everything. Not just him."

Batwoman, he recognized. She sounded angry. And Ryan who was holding her back sounded exhausted. 

"Get the hell up, Flash!" Kate shouted angrily over Ryan's shoulder. "There's work to do."

It had taken a lot for the normally reserved and understanding woman to lose her cool. Days trapped in this place had done her in. 

Or was it months? 

Barry didn't know. He didn't count. He didn't care. 

And Kate had put up with that apathy until she couldn't anymore. 

"Pariah put us here for a reason! We're the only ones with a chance of saving the multiverse, but only if we work together. _All_ of us!"

'Pariah,' Barry thought with a snarl. 

If he ever saw that man again, he'd kill him with his bare hands. 

Pariah could've saved them all. 

Why hadn't he saved them all? 

Why hadn't he waited long enough for Barry to grab Iris's hand? He could've brought her with him. 

Pariah had saved the Paragons. The universe’s last hopes. But, those were just titles with no meaning. 

If Pariah had really understood what it took, if he really understood just exactly what constituted as a hero, his golden streams would’ve flowed right past Barry and encompassed his wife.

Pariah had saved the wrong Allen. 

And now here they were at the center of nowhere. Where nothing grows and nothing speaks, with no more of a plan than the day they'd arrived.

“Get! Up!” Kate gritted out. "Get up and try! Fight!”

The rest came between them, trying to calm Kate and throwing Barry looks that ranged from pity to disgust. 

He was unmoved. 

Barry watched silently as Ryan and Kara gently led Kate off somewhere. He could hear Kara's soft words of comfort.

And then he heard Kate whisper brokenly. “We all lost. All of us…, Sophie… I couldn't save her. I couldn’t…”

He felt the tiniest bit of intrigue before he felt nothing at all. 

He hadn’t counted correctly, Barry realized. There weren’t only two others.

Kate understood too.

And he understood why she was so mad. 

He’d had that fire right at the beginning. When they’d first arrived, before the finality of it all had settled in, he’d raged against the rest; yelled at them to find a way back to the Waverider.

But, no one had listened and they made him see why going back was impossible. 

And then he grew silent and he'd found his favorite spot on the floor.

Once Kate’s outburst was quelled the others meandered off, back to whatever tasks they’d been busying themselves with.

And Barry was once again left to the quiet of his thoughts. 

He was grateful. 

His trembling fingers picked up the phone he'd put down and they swiped at the screen. 

He opened up the folder of the saved voice recording and he pressed play once again.


End file.
